11/3/06

    I got the chance to wake up pregnant today. I think I figured out that it's been 14 weeks and two days since I last got to do that (well, you know, that I was aware of it.) I'm feeling kind of achy today, but I'll take anything that isn't pain. During these crucial weeks, every day feels like an eternity.

    I'm trying to enjoy this time I have with my baby. Yesterday I sat in what will be the nursery and had a conversation with it (even though it doesn't have ears yet.) I call it "it" because I can't put a he or she with it yet, and I don't want to go through the trouble of typing he/she every time. I know it's a person, but until the English language comes up with a proper pronoun for a singular, non-gender-specific person, this is what I'm stuck with. I'm definitely aware of the fact that my baby is sitting here with me as a type this. I've missed that feeling so much. Even with all the fears and anxiety, I love being pregnant. I love knowing that this little person, the culmination of the love between Mike and I, is growing inside of me. I truly appreciate these quiet moments.

  11/2/06

    Well, here we are a week later and I finally got the positive pregnancy test I had expected. Oddly enough, I had just come to peace with the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  Now the nerves really set in, especially right now while I'm waiting for the blood test results to confirm the pregnancy. I'm trying to take this one day at a time and not get too far ahead of myself. I'm really nervous right now because I'm not having all of the symptoms I had at this point in my previous pregnancy (my hormones rose at the rate of a healthy pregnancy, which is very uncommon with ectopics.) I know that every pregnancy is different and I shouldn't let that carry too much weight, but I can't quiet that little voice in my head.

    I also feel guilty that I'm not letting myself recognize this pregnancy yet. I know that it's just my defenses going up because I know the odds, but I still feel guilty as a mother for not allowing myself to recognize my own baby growing inside of me. Maybe I'll feel differently when the doctor calls to confirm that there is, indeed, a baby inside of me, or once we get the first lab results back that give me hope my baby will survive this time. I don't want to treat my baby like a "thing" or a "growth" just because I might have to say good-bye. I still cherish the few moments I had to enjoy my previous pregnancy and I know that I'll need that again should I have the same outcome. Still, it's only day one and it's a lot to take in, so I'll try not to overthink my behavior and just get through the day.

    10/26/06

    I failed my pregnancy test this morning. I was absolutely convinced that I was pregnant, so it came as kind of a crushing blow. I wasn't expecting it. To be honest, I'm not completely confident in the test's answer. I mean, I have had so many symptoms. It's hard to just brush that off. Today was an early day to take the test, so it may have just been too early for the test to catch it. I'll also keep a close eye on my condition in the event that I'm having another ectopic, therefore keeping my hormone levels from rising as they typically should (which would explain the test result.) But, I'm so confident that everything could still work out that I'm continuing here in the journal.

    10/21/06

    A-ha! Proof that not all of this is in my head! I went to put on my size 4 jeans this morning, the same pair I wore a week ago with no problem, and I couldn't even move the zipper. That's not my typical PMS bloating. Something is definitely up...

    10/20/06

    I can't escape, even in sleep. I was very aware of the mild aching in my lower abdomen as I went to sleep last night and spent the entire night dreaming of doctor's visits. It wasn't a very fun night.

    10/19/06

    I'm absolutely beside myself today, so I thought I'd make the first entry in the journal. It's still a week before my earliest chance to test and the waiting is excruciating for so many reasons. Because of my elevated risk for another ectopic pregnancy, if I am pregnant, I want to be under a doctor's care as soon as possible. On top of that anxiety, there's just still the wondering and anticipation that typically comes with this sort of thing. I feel some bloating and aching in my lower abdomen, which I felt with my first pregnancy. However, with all the stuff I have going on in there, it's not unheard of for me to experience that. But, I remember getting that tightening feeling almost immediately last time, and it happened again this time. Of course, as I told Mike, I have no experience with trying for a baby and not getting pregnant, so I'm not sure how to interpret anything I feel. I don't have any other symptoms yet, but most of the symptoms I got last time hadn't hit by this point, so I'm trying not to think too much about it. Anyone who knows me well knows that's easier said than done.

     Part of me is already convinced that I'm pregnant. I don't want to get my hopes up because I'm already pretty fragile emotionally when it comes to this sort of thing. Still, every time I feel that aching, something tells me that's my baby in there. I just want to know so that, if it's true, I can start cherishing every moment of having my little one growing inside of me. Aside from typing here, all I can do is wait. It's hard for me to sleep at night now because I'm very aware that every day is one day closer to finding out. I've tried to tell myself to enjoy these last days before I start spending nearly every day being poked and prodded (at least until they determine the baby is intrauterine), but in my heart I know I'd go through that in a heartbeat to have my baby (and that's from someone who has panic attacks triggered by doctor and hospital visits.)

     I can't help it. The suspense is killing me.

 

 

 

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